Please, Santa, Make the Music Stop!
Is It Finally Time to turn our Cherished Holiday Songs into Ads?
Last week, instead of my usual wacky humor blog, I wrote an honest, deeply personal blog about the occasional hard times I experience on the road. The results are in—everybody hated it! Thanks for being there when I needed you. I love you guys, too.
(If you didn’t read the blog last week, everybody actually loved it. You gotta believe me!)
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You may be relieved to know that this week, I return to my usual irreverent approach to life and to my blog, this time about music. With the holidays approaching, I’ve been hearing a lot of Christmas music on the radio nonstop while I drive. And I drive a lot!
Radio stations play the same god damn Christmas songs over and over. It’s sickening.
Usually, I hate commercials on the radio, but at this time of year, I appreciate them because they give me a break from Jingle Bell Rock and All I Need for Christmas is You.
Mariah Carey, if you’re reading this blog, my apologies, but I am tired of your song. It plays on the radio constantly. Call me, babe. Let’s talk about it over a cup of coffee. (Please don’t have your lawyers sue me over this photo, which is entirely fabricated.)
You see how sensible and understanding I can be, even with pervasive pop divas?
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Recently, while driving, I was screaming at the radio about the endless repetition of the god-damn playlists. My poor little dog, Mr. Bones, cocked his head to one side and looked at me. From the Christmas playlist, they cut to the commercials. I got an idea.
BINGO! “Hey, Mr. Bones,” I said, “why not combine the two? Turn holiday songs into marketing opportunities this time of year.” My dog scowled.
Mr. Bones: That is the dumbest idea you’ve ever had, and you’ve had a lot of them.
Me: Hey, smart aleck. What do you know about it? You’re a dog. You can’t even sing.
Mr. Bones: Like you can sing?
Me: Ouch! That hurt.
By now, you’re probably wondering about my idea. Was Mr. Bones right?
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Here it is. Why not make the Christmas songs part of the advertisements? Let’s have a contest. I’ll suggest songs that could become jingles and show you how, then you try.
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For example, All I Want for Christmas is You could become the Amazon Christmas theme song. After Mariah Carey finishes the first chorus, an announcer asks, ‘Mariah, is that really all you want for Christmas?” Mariah laughs and says, “Hell no! I want… “
She proceeds to list the items on her Santa wish list. The DJ tells us Amazon offers all of these items, and many others, for a special Mariah Carey Christmas discount.
WHAM! sings the refrain from its hit song, “Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, and the very next day, you gave it away.” The music stops. A spokesman for the United Network for Organ Donors (UNOS) says, “Please consider being a heart donor.”
He asks, “Wouldn’t you like to give someone your heart for Christmas? Especially if you’re dead. You won’t need it anymore.” Listeners hear a scream, the screech of tires, and the sounds of a car crash. Then, they hear an ambulance siren. “Whaa whaa whaa.”
Medics are trying to revive the driver. “Code blue. Get the paddles. Clear!” We hear a loud Zap! “No Luck. It’s a DOA. Call it in. His heart is gonna get WHAM!’D for sure.”
George Michael of Wham! says, Give your heart today for someone else’s tomorrow!”
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Bing Crosby croons the classic tune, “Do You Hear What I Hear?”
After the first refrain, a spokesperson for the National Association of Hearing Aid Manufacturers asks listeners, “Do you or a loved one need hearing aids to hear what everyone else is hearing this year?”
This song is a twofer. After the hearing aid pitch, Bing sings, “Do you see what I see?” A spokesperson for the National Association of Prescription Eyeglasses Makers asks, “Do you see what everyone else sees? Is it time for a new pair of prescription glasses?”
See where this is going? It’s a call-in contest, people.
Here are some of our finalists.
Our current frontrunner is from a contestant who suggested an ad based on “Silent Night” to sell noise-canceling headphones and other sleep aids.
Our second-place contestant said, “Why not try ‘The Little Drummer Boy’ as a recruitment jingle for the military or for college marching bands?
And in third, a contestant proposed, “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” to promote antidepressants and teletherapy apps, as well as free home delivery of alcohol.
In a moment, we’ll open the phone lines so you can vote on your favorite song choice.
There are specialty markets for songs like, Deck the Halls, with its old, oddball lyrics.
We hear a doorbell ring, then the door opens. A man shouts, “Honey, our son who lost his front door key is home from college.” A young man says, “Hi, Dad, hi, Mom!”
We hear the song Deck the Halls playing in the background.
The man says, “That’s an interesting holiday hoodie you’re wearing, son. But, uhh, why does it say, ‘Don we now our gay apparel?’ What do the rainbow colors signify? Whatever happened to red and green for Christmas?”
“Oh, Dad, Mom, there’s something important I’ve been meaning to tell you. You see…’
An announcer speaks: “Be yourself this Christmas. This message brought to you by LGBTQ artists at Etsy and Redbubble and the Fashion Designers of America.”
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Now, let’s try a few Christmas songs sung by or for children or teenagers.
A cute little Michael Jackson can be heard singing, “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.” Then a strident voice breaks in. “This is the Divorce Lawyers of America, here to tell you, even though the man in the Santa costume may fool children, we are here to help, in case the man kissing mommy isn’t Santa, or daddy, but the man from next door.”
Remember the 1979 novelty tune by Elmo & Patsy, “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer?” It is used as a PSA on radio stations in Russia, Alaska, Canada, and Scandinavia, which have the largest herds of wild reindeer, aka caribou.
We hear a cute little boy sing, “Grandma got run over by a reindeer.”
Then a serious voice cuts in. ‘Being run over by a reindeer is no joke in (insert the location). We hear an old woman scream. “A reindeer! It’s running over me! Help!” The PSA ends with, “Warning! Every year, while walking home alone on Christmas Eve, elderly people are run over by reindeer.”
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Next time you hear the same old Christmas songs on the radio or at the mall, think of ways to repurpose them as PSAs or as ads. Alternatively, make up your own playlists.
Contrary to what you might think, I don’t hate Christmas music, I love it. What I hate is the obnoxious way the same tired, old playlists run on an endless loop each year.
Here is a Spotify playlist of some of my own Christmas music in various genres. Hope you like it. My tastes tend toward standout music that makes a strong statement, fyi. (If you want the usual stuff from the radio or the mall, this playlist is not for you.)
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And have a very merry Christmas! As for me, I guess, “I’ll Be Home for Christmas.” Wherever home is on the road. We are heading down to Mexico after New Year’s Eve.
It’s warmer and cheaper down there. It’s good for my mental health to stay far away. (I don’t like to be political in my blog, but I think most of you know what I mean.)
Plus, there are no reindeer! On the other hand, watch out for those pesky javelinas.
Very funny Carl. It is a good idea! But hey, “Have yourself a merry little Christmas…now.”
If you put this on Tik Tok it should go viral! You have articulated what we all feel. Fortunately, in our family car we have a whole list of classical music stations we can tune into and many of them don't play Xmas music! Fortunately, only another week and then its over until Thanksgiving of next year. Maybe someone will pick up on your idea in the meantime.