Ten Hot Tips for Getting Into Van Life
(Or How to Pretend You’re Living the Dream While Sleeping in a Parking Lot)
1. Initially, Tell Your Family and Friends That You Are Joining a Religious Cult
The biggest problem is that your family and friends will tell you it’s crazy to quit your day job to get into van life. So tell them that you are joining a religious cult. A long argument will ensue. Argue for an hour, then say, “Fine. I’ll join van life. Happy?”
2. Get a Van
Getting a van is generally considered a key component of getting into van life. Of late, the move is toward big, expensive vans in the Sprinter class, but they cost a lot. Get the best-rated, most reliable van you can afford. Fancy is useless if it breaks down a lot.
3. Get a Dog
Often overlooked is the importance of getting a dog before starting out. You can bring another person, but people talk; they may not shut up. People have their own opinions and are quick to point out every single mistake you make. Dogs won’t. Get a dog!
4. Have a Lot of Money or Find a Way (Preferably legal) to Make Some
In van life, as in all else, it is advisable to be independently wealthy. Failing that, find a way to make enough money to pay for food, gas, car repair, and safe spots to park. I recommend doing something legal. If it’s not legal, don’t tell them I put you up to it.
5. You Should Probably Go Somewhere!
Once you have told everyone you plan to get into van life, the pressure will be on for you to go somewhere. If you are just sleeping in the van in your backyard, people will soon find out. They will mock you mercilessly. Get going. Hit the road, Jack.
6. Sleeping on the Road
The lawyers insist: this refers to sleeping IN the van ON the road, not lying down in the middle of the highway. Find a legal place to park the van for the night. The police are likely to roust you at about 2 a.m. There is a knock on the window; a flashlight in your face. A police officer tells you to move it along. It is not pleasant.
7. What to Say When the Police Knock
Do not say, “Officer, shouldn’t you be somewhere eating a donut?” Funny, but you may wind up in jail. If the police knock on the window in the night and tell you to move, just say yes and do it. Mutter about them under your breath as you go.
8. Eat Road Food, Not Roadkill
Even in van life, you need to eat. Unfortunately, food costs money, which is one thing you may not have much of. Nowadays, convenience stores and gas stations sell food, some of which is edible and most of which will not kill you instantly.
9. Safety
Van life is safe unless it isn’t. Don’t get murdered. Camp near other people to be safe. If someone says, try “dispersed camping” or “wild camping,” nod politely. Ignore them unless you are hard to kill. Sleeping alone in a remote place where a ne’er-do-well can kill you and dispose of your body without leaving clues is not for the faint of heart.
10. Brag
You may not have a lot of money, or you would fly and stay in hotels instead of driving a van. You may wind up eating lousy food and being bitten by insects, wearing the same clothes for days, and sleeping in loud, noisy urban parking lots. No one will be impressed if you tell them what it’s really like, so for God’s sake, make it look good.
Bonus Tip: How to Make It Look Good and Cause Everyone to Envy/Hate You
Post lots of fabulous pictures of very cool places you visit, so people will envy you. If they say, “Gosh, it seems like you’re on an endless vacation,” smile enigmatically and say, “No, of course not.” Pretend to be modest. Technically, you haven’t actually lied.
Do not, repeat not, post pictures of the boring, mundane aspects of van life (pumping gas, getting lost, trying to find a @#$ level spot to park so you don’t roll in your sleep, or eating the same thing from a local convenience store for the 30th time this month)
Bonus Tip
If all else fails, remember: The worst day in a van beats the best day on the job.
DISCLAIMER: The author of these tips takes no responsibility for sunburn, frostbite, mosquito bites, farts, heartbreak, or parking tickets issued by small-town police.
