Why I Am Re-Booting the Buffalo
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Would you try to reboot a buffalo? It’s tricky, but it can be done. It helps if the buffalo is willing. Astute readers will guess this isn’t about a real buffalo, but about the blog.
INSERT PHOTO OF A MAN SHOEING A BUFFALO
Do you ever get a bright idea that doesn’t work? That’s all I get. Since agents and publishers did not want my second book, Like A Buffalo, Roam, I started a blog, became enormously popular, and waited for them to crawl on their hands and knees.
I’m still waiting. Where are they?
Substack sounded like it could not fail, but it has. Substack has 50 million subscribers, about one out of every five US adults, but almost none of them read my blog. After blogging for three months, I have about 500 followers, or just 0.01% of 50 million.
At this rate, it would take me about 100 years to reach 10,000 subscribers.
Did I start with the wrong idea?
My idea about reinventing yourself at any age was good, but like me, it was not sexy, not cool, not outrageous. It was a Dad blog. And who wants that? I should become cool, reinventing myself as Brad Pitt and then winning back Angelina Jolie.
Instead, I’m an old man in a van, touring the US, Canada, and Mexico for three years. Something in the blog has to change. And here it is, revealed to you for the first time.
Here are some of the most successful weekly themes– feel free to suggest new topics.
· The Deep Dive Essay – I will dive into an all-you-can-eat buffet, never to be seen again. Have you noticed that all-you-can-eat has no time limit? Stay for a week!
· Pulling Back the Curtain – Readers on Substack want you to reveal things about yourself. Since gaining 50 pandemic pounds, I’ve made a point of NOT revealing myself on the beach, for fear of being harpooned. A revelation: I shower with strange men. That may sound odd. I am a member of Planet Fitness, and visit them all over the US to work out and shower. Every day is a new location full of strange old men.
· Ongoing Journey – This is another angle. Like the meme, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up,” in my case, “I’m driving and I can’t stop.” Will someone point me to the exit?
· Hard-Earned Wisdom – Visiting all of the lower 48 states in six months was my initial goal. It was the most exciting, most incredible, and stupidest idea of all time. Why? Because of math. That is 8 states per month, or a state every 3.5 days. Crazy!
You may think you can write your blog any way you want, but you can’t. Here is the recommended, formulaic outline for a popular Substack post – How do you like it?
· A Strong Opening Hook – such as, “My Life in the Witness Protection Program.” Or, as my dog, Mr. Bones, likes to say, ‘ How I Traveled Indognito across the United States.”
· Lived Experience – It is popular to talk about Lived Experience, which is the opposite of Dead Experience. My guess is that the thrill of being dead wears off pretty quickly. Like the refrain of the old Johnny Cash hit song, “I’ve been everywhere, man.”
· Deeper Meaning – People want you to show them what only you can see. I see things in a different way. You see the road. When the road crew bends over, I see the Ass Fault.
· Take-Away – Each blog should end with a stunning, insightful conclusion. Here is one for you. Writing is a great hobby if you like to work for no pay, seven days a week.
Don’t worry, I’m not quitting. I will continue the blog, but will do so from the bizarre, obscure perspective of what works online as opposed to what makes sense to me.
In the Internet age, do not trust yourself. Do not believe in your own ideas. The Internet always wins. Believe in the algorithm and improve your SEO skills.
On the other hand, I will never use AI to write for me. Have you ever asked AI to tell you a joke? I predict that AI will never be a stand-up comic. You heard it here first.
People want something for free, and the writer is supposed to give it to them. What do you want? Tell me! Often, readers want you to reveal yourself. I thought that was illegal.
I could show you what I look like when I first wake up in the morning, which is truly terrifying. Even I am afraid to see myself in the mirror. How about a video of me trying to tie my shoes? Or bending over to pick something up? The floor keeps getting farther and farther away.
With that inspiring message, I will post a blog on Thursday about … something.
In the meantime, I am leaving the East Coast to drive to Indianapolis, my hometown, for Thanksgiving. This time, I will take the slowest route, following the Ohio River.
If you have time, follow river roads, the scenic routes, to see towns that time forgot.
Boy do I understand.
The drive: I covered 41 states and 2 Canadian provinces in 6 months and THAT was too much! I’m reflecting now that I should have divided deeply into one small area for at least six to seven months.
Subscribers/followers: How do people get numbers like 7,000 subscribers? I don’t think even 20 follow my Wordpress blog. And a subscriber can simply click “like” but not read my post. I suspect that happens a lot since I get very few comments—sometimes only one or two. It’s very discouraging.
And now since the wreck, I have no chance to go back and do any deep diving.
Hey, FYI: Likely moving to Tucson in January.
Carl, you are really funny. You can also share the truth being the Instagram van life. You have nothing to promote so you can actually tell it at it is.